Sunday, November 09, 2008

I've been staring at my computer screen for 3 hours to find the words..Our dearest Kethrine has left us..Left us all with questions, hurt, pain and raw emotions. She chose the gloomy, rainy day of Nov 8th to end her life..And what a life she ended. Ket was (I cant believe Im using the past tense on her *tear*) a friend I grew up with..We were bestest buddies in primary school along with a whole bunch of girls, Sharmila, Nazreen, Hasnah etc. She was a star even then!! She was always on Chinna Kanmanigal and I remember her going for recordings after school and thinking how lucky she was. She was the dance choreographer for all our school dances. And we always hung out at her place after school. I vividly remember her being the first one to have a grand old Puberty Ceremony at the CC!! Hehe..(And yes you can stop laughing now!)

We drifted apart in secondary school and found each other through our blogs!!! Then the IBM was formed and we were never the same again! Our first meeting was hilarious!! And Ket was the little firecracker that didnt stop. You could always count on her to crack you up with her famous Ket moments!
That was the first and last time all 9 of us turned up. And the next time all 9 of us would be together will be at her funeral later. The thought kills me and fills me with unbelieveable sadness. The Ket I know would never take her own life..She was a strong woman. She's been through ALOT of crap but she was the kind of woman who would sling the crap right back at life and smirk.

She was also a goofball!!! She would cheat at pool so badly..And blast her mangamma songs on her phone at the pool place and dance around without giving two flying fucks about what ppl thought.. She loved taking pics..She loved her sarees..She loved getting her hair done..She loved eating!! She was a tiny girl with a huge ass appetite!
This was at the last meeting we had about 3-4 weeks ago.. She came late and started whacking the food! And gave us a classic Ket moment at Secret Recipe..Butter and oil! God I miss her.. I had asked how things were in her life..And she said good..I wish I had dug deeper..I wish I could have done more..I wish she would have called one of us when she was in doubt. Most of all I wish I could turn back time to her birthday last year when we threw her a suprise party. I wish we were all too busy and didnt show up..So that things would have been different. Coz her birthday was when things started.
I keep going though her blog..She loved taking pics and she was prob the only one of us who regularly updated her blog. I chanced upon this from her blog..You just knew she was strong and would stand up to anything that came her way.

"Though I'm looking forward to the new year, I secretly wish 2008 doesn't have to come. With the start of 2008, alot of things are going to be more fooling around and getting down to serious business....a year where major things have to happen and more major events in the following years and I really wish I don't have to do it.....sigh....but we can't stop things from happening right? the inevitable has to happen and the only thing i can do is just pray that things would turn out well.I'm starting the new year with a new attitude. I know it is not going to be easy but I can pull through it. One thing I can be proud of myself; my toughest moments are my best. :):)"

So many excerpts that show she was strong..As Di says, she wore her tough moments like a badge.

"I’ve also learnt that life is fair to some and unfair to others. But every time God shuts a door, he opens a window. And many times, things happen for a reason, good or bad. No one can help you better than yourself and its better to be dependant on yourself than on anyone else, coz you never know whose gonna break your heart"
Oh Ket..Why did you think this was the answer??? You have so many people who love you and you just left us with nothing. I called her phone in hopes she would answer and say "Enna la pesurae?" I still can hear her child like voice bubbling with enthusiasm over a new hair treatment she was asking me about last week..Just last week!!!! She was excited for so many new beginnings.

I guess we will never know what went through her mind before she jumped. In our hearts we know she didnt want to..Maybe she slipped after realising she was making a mistake. I just hope that you are finally at peace now, little firecracker..I hope that you know that everyone misses you and we will never be the same again. You have always been the glue that bonded all of us.
When I got the news yesterday, I was suprisingly angry at first. I was angry at you, Ket. That you decided to do this..Then I realised how much of hurt you must have been going through. Its still not a rationalisation for suicide, but I understand. I wish you knew how much you are loved. That nobody would have judged you.That we would all have been by your side, riding the wave together. I've cried till Im numb.. I dont know how Im gonna face seeing you later. But I want to say goodbye. I want you to know that you are SO loved and how much we are all gonna miss you.
I dont want to remember you as the girl who took her life..I want to remember you as the girl FULL of life and zest. The girl who never fails to make anyone around her smile. The girl that took life by the balls. The girl who believed.
RIP Kethrine Andrews..
We love you.